Holy moly outpouring of love. I’d just like to thank everyone who reached out and commented on my last post, which was admittedly kind of intense. I wrote it rather quickly, and then I spent much more time editing, deleting, and almost scrapping the whole thing all together. I was so worried that, as hard as I tried to make it all-inclusive and accepting of any and all women, it would offend someone anyway. I was also worried no one would comment because they didn’t even want to touch the subject. And then I was even more worried I’d receive backlash from anonymous commenters.
Instead, what I got was a bunch of beautiful ladies supporting, thanking, and responding to me. And that is awesome. A lot of you could relate to the feelings I had about comments people make about one another’s bodies, and clearly, that applies to women AND men of all sizes. Others could see where I was coming from, but pointed out that the mean things people say about someone’s thinness are not quite the same as the things people say to those who are overweight. (For the record, I don’t disagree. Related: mean people suck.) One of you even admitted that you were likely guilty of the very thing I described and wrote such an open-minded, thoughtful response that I just wanted to hug you. Weeee, I’m gushing! By the way, I responded to each and every one of you in case you haven’t already seen so.
What I want to say with this follow-up post is, first of all, thank you. Also? I’ve realized maybe I’m a little uptight. Maybe we’re all a little uptight. To clarify, I stand by everything I said in that heated post (John called it a rant. He might be right… but don’t tell him I think so). But the aftermath has brought about a lot more thinking on the subject, and although I REALLY don’t want to write a Part-Deux post (uh, already am), I can see now that people who make comments to one another aren’t always motivated by anger, jealousy, or other negative chemical reactions. A perfect example of that was when I received a comment via Facebook from someone who’d once made a comment like what I described previously, but was also pretty harmless. She felt horrible, apologized, and explained where she was coming from, and I in turn felt incredibly guilty for making HER feel guilty. It was why I cringed a little bit when I hit the “publish” button on that post, because I was concerned that anyone who’d ever made comments about my weight would read it and think I had them in mind… along with Voodoo doll practices and whatnot, ’cause I’m scary like that.
So that interaction made me think. And your comments made me think. And I think thinking is good. And– to get all Dr. Seuss on ya– thinking a thought is better than not, and not is to think of no thoughts at all. Hot DAMN that felt good. But that’s enough now.
On a slightly different topic–though related ’cause apparently I enjoy baring my soul and stuff– I’d like to share something I found from Hanna:
A lot of bloggers are participating in this “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You” series, in which we all reveal something about ourselves that’s hard to share for fear of (gasp) coming off as imperfect. I don’t really have a problem with that, and it’s a good thing, or else I’d surely have cracked by now. But in this world where we represent ourselves to others through means of social media, there’s a huge tendency to share only the things about ourselves that are good, pretty, witty, and admirable. That’s rough. Because it’s easy to feel like shit when it seems like your Facebook friends or fellow bloggers never screw up, have an “ugly” day, or occasionally fart in public.
Though I can’t imagine anyone thinking so, I’d like to remind you that I am not in fact perfect. I do screw up from time to time, I do sometimes feel like I’m having an ugly day, and, well, who hasn’t farted in public? If my allergies are particularly bad, I snore. When I cry, I’m the opposite of cute. I cry fairly often, over stupid things, though usually in private. I’m worried I’ll be mediocre. I’m worried I’ll succeed and still not be satisfied. I’m scared at the thought of one day moving across the country away from family and the few close friends I have. Some days, I wish I had more friends. Most of the time, I’m plenty satisfied being anti-social. I’ve never experienced great, tragic loss (with the exception of my grandmother who died years before her time) and am therefore terrified of inevitably losing someone I love. I don’t fear my own death. My biggest obstacles are my fear of failure and the tendency to sit on my ass too long. I write this blog not only out of a need for a creative outlet, but because I want you to like me.
And I’m human. I embrace it all.
Yeah, I probably reeked of sensitivity. I’ve always been like that, and a little uptight. I try not to be that way so much now, but some things still rub too raw. But I love the idea Things I’m Afraid to Tell You. I know exactly what I’d write for it, too.
OH MAN, you and I have like the exact same fears and insecurities. How uncanny?! I felt like I was reading about myself, which wasn’t the point but just wanted to let you know there are more people like you than you realize. No biggie in putting our imperfections out there, I admire those people the most.
Love your post
Thank you, Laskmy! I think it’s healthy to actually appear human from time to time.
It ort of upsets me that John (your partner?) called the post a rant. So as soon as people write about upsetting things it’s a rant? Certain things need to be expressed, discussed. And that’s not ranting. I can totally relate to being afraid of bad comments… I’m very coward when I blog. I suppose I’ve read too many blogs with terrible comments. I can’t understand why the owners publish some of them.
Haha, this actually made me laugh– I’ll have to give John a hard time about it. I agree with your point, and I guess I didn’t take offense to that comment because I did feel a NEED to rant, so I blogged about it. After many reads and re-reads, though, I still don’t think it comes off too much that way. Either way, it absolutely needed discussing, as made clear by the comments.
Love this post. And your last paragraph is so wonderfully revealing and relatable. I felt like I was reading about myself so many times. Loved reading it, and can’t thank you enough for sharing
Great series of posts!
I rarely ever comment on blogs (especially ones who write well), but here’s an idealist’s stream of thought for you… call it a brain fart… or a rant. It may even come with typos and run-on sentences!
The topics you are discussing (body weight, worries about being mediocre) have tentacles tangent to many facets of a person’s inner and outer workings that extend beyond what you have discussed, though it’s a great start. We live in a culture that promotes perfection, all the damn time, and in every area imaginable (we must have super model bodies, be rich like a banker, be as smart as a surgeon, possess the gift of gab, and have sex like a tantric porn star). At the same time, we are hypocritically told that we should be happy with ourselves, but subliminally (sometimes not so much) encouraging judgement of others, and ourselves. It’s the perfect way to confuse the hell out of everyone.
As I stated, not only does our society promote aesthetic perfection (e.g. our weight, facial symmetry, hair styles without one rogue strand pointing in the opposite direction), but it demands that we be super rich and successful in whatever profession we enter; that we can all achieve our wildest dreams if we put our minds to it. And being that we are in our twenties, the messages are frightnening. It places an unhealthy sense of urgency is all of us to do whatever we can to “make it”, and to be “perfect/great”…. I call bullshit.
While a sense of urgency (with a side of discipline and passion) is a good thing to have, it shouldn’t be a surprise that we are not all meant to be the best at anything. The idea of working toward this untangible goal of “making it” in anything is partially the result of living within such a powerful, comfortable, and in some instances, boring nation, where “success” is the ultimate goal for everone, and only a few have it (on paper). Whatever happened to just doing the best that we can, and being happy with that? (Insert quote about it being about the journey, and not the end result)
For some, there is a tendency to obsess about being the “best”, being “perfect”, and in wanting what we don’t have, instead of being happy with what we DO have (I am very guilty of this). Some of us lack the perspective to feel truly grateful, and to understand that we are incredibly lucky in this world, even with a few real problems working against us. This is because we have become obsessed with ourselves (biased opinion), and have made it a habit of comparing ourselves against others, which is a cause of feeling insecure with oneself.
Someone somewhere said that the grass is greener on the other side, but in reality, “the grass is never greener on the other side because there is no other side.” We ALL go through life with a custom tool box that allows us to experience things we can control, and things we can’t, yet somewhere along the road, we began to form a habit of feeling bad for ourselves instead of embracing an attitude that celebrates our own existence, as individuals and as a collective species (problems and all). The sooner we do this, the sooner we might be able to get away from placing so much weight on things that really don’t matter (like what people say about other people’s weight), and begin to live happily and confidently with what we have, while at the same time, passionately go after our goals without worrying about the final outcome of things, or who is thinking what about us. Hope some of this made sense!
Dang, this made me think!
There’s no doubt the discussion extends far beyond what I’ve touched on here, and you could probably dedicate a blog to nothing but that subject (and related subjects), and never run out of things to say. That said, one thing you mention is success and how it’s defined in this hyperbolic country. When did “happiness” stop being a synonym for success? Why don’t we strive for that as much as we do money, cars, clothes, and an “ideal” (often unachievable) body? We think those things are the key to happiness, when in fact it’s often lying dormant within our own bodies and minds, untapped, because we don’t know what it looks or feels like.
There is an incredible pressure on 20-somethings to achieve greatness on a certain timeline, and there are similar forces felt by those in their 30s, 40s and upward saying, “Hey! If you haven’t done this yet, you’re runnin’ out of time!” Bullshit, indeed. Vanity and self-consciousness are only parts of the bigger issues at work here, and I thank you for extending the conversation beyond those ultimately irrelevant insecurities.
I do think that a lot of insensitive comments aren’t malicious, but people aren’t going to stop saying hurtful things if they’re not called out. It doesn’t necessarily have to be done in an aggressive way (and it probably shouldn’t be), but I think that if people are made aware of the issue they’ll feel bad and stop acting that way. For the record, I certainly didn’t see your post as angry or aggressive or in any way unreasonable; I thought it was totally reasonable!
I really like the idea of sharing things that you wouldn’t normally. It’s so true that the internet allows us to create a persona that may not be true to life. In my experience, having met three internet friends in real life, they are quite similar to how they present themselves online, but there are always little surprises. I don’t even think people do it on purpose, really, but there definitely is an image we present. I try to be honest with blogging, but there are things I leave out. I’m still growing and finding who I am, so I guess some of it is just not wanting to put anything out there if I’m still insecure or unsure about it.
(Man, I keep writing long comments on your blog. You make me think!)
What a great compliment! I’m glad these posts resonated with you and others enough to really consider your own experiences and talk about them. And you’re right– no backtracking for me; I think it was necessary to say everything I did in that first post. Even if people don’t mean any harm by their comments, it’s important for them to know what they said was hurtful anyway.
Another great post. The “thing I’m afraid to tell you” idea is great.. but I’m too scared! Haha. I also sit on my ass way too much, and want my readers to like me. I wish I had more friends, too, but I love my personal time so much that I probably wouldn’t see them anymore than I see my few friends now.
We’re all human and we all have flaws. I think it is better when we admit to those flaws and embrace them rather than hide behind a facade of perfection. Pretending you are perfect and have a perfect life just makes other people more likely to do the same thing. And then we’re all just fooling ourselves. So I think this is great. The more that people are open about their problems and shortcomings, the more likely we will all just be ourselves more.
Gah, you keep coming at us with all these thought-provoking posts! I love it. =)