Confessions

Cassie in California

I only got halfway through The Grapes of Wrath. And On the Road. And Naked Lunch.

I once feigned an allergy to blueberries so I wouldn’t have to eat a blueberry muffin. I was 14 and had never even tried a blueberry.

In middle school, I had my friends “break up” with a boyfriend for me while I watched from afar. On two separate occasions.

In high school, I once didn’t have enough money to split a check three ways, and I never paid back the girl who covered me—even though I said I would.

During an interview for an internship in college, I awkwardly shook the hand of the woman who was interviewing me. And then apologized for it. Which was even more awkward.

Up until recently, I used the words “picaresque” and “picturesque” interchangeably.

Sometimes, I’m impatient with my sisters and feel guilty about it.

Sometimes, I ask for advice and don’t agree with it.

Sometimes, I’m passive aggressive because it’s easier than confrontation. But I’m working on that.

I’m worried moving to California will be more difficult than I’m capable of handling.

I’m terrified all my peers in grad school will be smarter than I am.

I’m scared I’ll finish grad school and not know what to do next.

 

I’ve forgiven myself for past mistakes. (And if I’m forgiving myself, I should forgive others, too.) I’m trusting myself to make good decisions. I’m embracing the uncertainty without allowing myself to become paralyzed by fear. There’s a lot I’m choosing to leave out of this confessional. But I feel better already. What do you need to get off your chest?

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Comments

  1. Well, I just learned the word picaresque.

    “I’m scared I’ll finish grad school and not know what to do next.” And, of course. None of us knew what to do next after grad school. I don’t think anybody ever does… I finished grad school a year ago. I still don’t know what I’m doing next.

  2. I recently did some confessing as well. It’s really nice to just be honest with oneself, allow ourselves to be silly and screw up and then publicly share what we did so that others know it’s okay. That no one’s perfect. So, I very much enjoyed reading your post on this topic. 🙂

    • Thanks, Aubrey! I agree, there’s some solace in knowing you’re not the only one with a few (or many!) missteps behind them. I’m sure there are plenty more ahead, so we might as well embrace the mistakes we’ve already made and learn from them.

  3. This is a good idea. 🙂

    I also only got halfway through On The Road. I was so incredibly bored by it and I thought it was one of the most pretentious books I’d ever read. Haven’t attempted Grapes of Wrath, but it honestly seems like too much of an undertaking to be enjoyable.

    I can definitely relate to a few of these! Good job on being open and admitting you do make mistakes.. that’s something a lot of people (myself included) struggle with. Really enjoyed this post!

    • After I’d put down On the Road too long to pick it back up where I left off, I admitted it to someone who is well-read and felt the same way about the book as I did. I was like, “Really?! People think this?” Glad it wasn’t just me. 🙂

  4. I have a lot to confess, but one thing I need to get off my chest is that I never read any of the classics and don’t plan on doing so in the near future. I tried my hand at smoking when I was 14. I feign allergies all the time, especially to alcohol and seafood. In reality, I’m caffeine and lactose intolerant. I rarely ask for advice anymore because I know that I am more than likely to ignore it. I wish I had gotten drunk at least once. I also still don’t see the point of marriage, even though I am still married.

    That was more than one thing, but hey!

  5. I love this concept. So many things in ones life happen that probably don’t seem like a big deal to anyone, but you. Like paying someone back, they probably already forgot or even having your friend break up with your boyfriend in Middle School. But even if they have forgotten, it still sticks in your head, so releasing it and getting rid of any guilt will only do you good!

  6. I hated Huckleberry Finn. I’m scared that what I’m doing now, barely making ends meet, is what I’ll be doing for the rest of my life. I cannot go a single day without eating ice cream, no matter how hard I try.

    I think I might need to do a confession post of my own.

  7. “Sometimes, I ask for advice and don’t agree with it.” God, this is so me, it isn’t even funny.

    My confession? I read classics from time to time, but for the most part, don’t see what’s so great about them. Most times I have to force myself to finish them.

  8. “Sometimes, I’m passive aggressive because it’s easier than confrontation.”
    Me too, I feel your pain – also, you will kick ass at grad school.

    I’m worried If I actually get a job again – in something I love – I’ll mess it up like I did the last big job. It’s stopping me taking chances.

  9. These are great. Also, you will be amazing and smart and blaze around California and grad school like a star. And if you don’t know what you want to do when you’re done? You’ll use your brilliant creativity and figure it out! (That’s not advice. I’m just stating facts here – no room for disagreement. heh.)

    • Haha I will not disagree with you then. I am only expecting the very best at this point (even when my mind goes to the dark scary place). Thanks, lady!

  10. I took a decent job right out of college for fear that I woulf always be struggling and hated myself deeply for it. I skipped out on grad school and I regret it… all because I was afraid to fail. I think the feeling of regret is worse than failure.

    Go for it. It’s better to fail and have lived than not lived at all. Or something like that.

    Karina

  11. I’m always afraid that if I go to grad school, I’ll be leagues behind everyone who’s coming straight out of their undergraduate years; that they’ll all be smarter than me; and that I’ll fail to keep up with my responsibilities and get kicked out for bad grades. Even though I’ve read that it’s smart for people to take a year or so off from school before applying to grad school because they want it more and are willing to work for it, I still become afraid of my flaws–that they will get the best of me and I won’t be able to handle the decisions I’ve made. I go back and forth on cultivating a take-charge attitude, because I’ve always been so passive, but I find myself constantly floundering. I fail to push myself when I don’t want to be pushed, and I know that because of that I keep stunting my personal growth. But, like you, I’m working on it. After weeks of slugging around, I always eventually push myself back up and become more assertive; I just have to learn how to take action even when I don’t feel like it.

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