All I want for Christmas is the ugly Pandora bracelet Kay’s jewelers won’t shut up about… except not really.

I have a question for all you men out there: Do you feel advertisements inaccurately convey your utter desires and wants? Or are you REALLY itching for some golf clubs and nose hair trimmers this Christmas? Because that’s what Dad’s about to get if inspiration doesn’t strike soon.

Seriously, what is up with the continuous gender stereotyping when it comes to holiday ads? Do I, at any point during the year, reek of the Macy’s fragrance department? No? Then don’t buy me Dior J’adore just ’cause it’s on TV. It might make Charlize Theron rip off all her multi-million dollar diamonds and gown, but that’s just wasteful, and it certainly is not going to make me fling off my Banana Republic clearance sweater out of sheer excitement.

Men so often complain that women are hard to shop for, but really we’re easy. As in easy to shop for. Not easy easy. Well, some of us. Anyway– a gift should just be pretty and/or thoughtful. Nothing makes a girl swoon more than a gift we know took some contemplation. (“Ooohhh, that ION hairdryer I’ve been dying to get ever since my hair was frizzy that one night six months ago! You remembered! God, you’re amazing.”) Really, that easy. That’s just an example, though. Don’t take that as a hint, people, or I’ll be severely disappointed.

Men, on the other hand, are impossible to shop for. Clothes? You’ll never wear them. Books? You’ll never read them. Gift cards? You’ll use them to buy someone else’s Christmas present, don’t lie. Men are much more picky than women. The only guy I’ve yet to have trouble with shopping-wise is John, who’s actually fun to buy for. (I actually ran into him today while Christmas shopping. Have you ever accidentally run into your significant other out in public? It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for two months or two years– it’s kind of awkward, in a cute So what are YOU buying? kinda way.)

So at least I’ve got one dude down, but the Faja and step-pop really need to make it easier to shop for them. There are only so many coffee table books and ties you can buy a person. Dick’s Sporting Goods’ website is advertising pistols though– it’s what every man wants!– so that might be a nice way to shake things up.

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WTH?!? Wednesdays – When viruses attack

Happy WTH Wednesday, y’all. It’s been a long week since the karaoke vlogring. The night I decided to share my superior singing and “dancing” skills with the world, a virus decided to find my piece of crap computer. Hilarity ensured. I mean insanity.

First, it started with the pop-up ads. WTH. I knew something was wrong, ’cause I haven’t seen pop-up ads since the early 2000s. Then some invisible man with elevator music started telling me about Angelina Jolie’s recent shenanigans with Zion or Shiloh or Orange or whatever her kid’s name is. I was starting to get worried, but it wasn’t till this happened that I knew I was in deep doo-doo:

That’s right. My non-existant wife and children would find out about every mouse click I made unless I did vague things like submit to spyware’s credit card information requirements. Otherwise, every word I typed would be recorded. Well, crap. I guess I can forget about all potential job offers, because this virus will now determine the outcome of my life. At least, that’s how it made things seem.

My feelings of hysteria only intensified when I made a phone call to the Geek Squad, who wanted to charge me at least $350 to recover my hard drive and protect my computer. WTH. Eff. That. Sheeit. It’s the HOLIDAY SEASON for God’s/Jesus’/Buddha’s/Beiber’s sake. Have some sympathy, guys. I gots presents to buy. The worst part was that the three-year warranty I bought at Best Buy that would protect the computer from EVERYTHING–including frat party beer spills, my god– expired last month. As in, the month before this one right hurr. I’ve done a lot for good karma recently, but apparently, it still hates me. So, I didn’t know what to do. I still had two final papers due before I could graduate from the school thing forever. At least until I feel I have no other choice but to enroll in graduate school– a whole other feat in and of itself. But finally, I found a computer genius who could fix my computer for 200% less than the other guys.

Long story short, everything’s cool, yo. My computer’s good for now– at least until I decide that no PC is worth it and I’d rather spend $2,000 on a Mac than increments of a couple hundred dollars every year to recover plain ole PC documents. I know it’ll be worth it in the end to own a Mac, but shoot– there’s too much to save up for: new computers, trips to Europe, adult diapers. I’m already looking forward to the time when I’ll be able to revel in my adult diaperhood. Yum?

So even though it’s now technically Thursday (shut UP!), I say WTH to another week’s worth of technological-related WTH?!? Wednesdays. But I also say one hell of a congrats to me– I am officially a college graduate, having accomplished such a feat in 3 1/2 years. I am gloating, right here right now. Now I plan on drinking generous amounts of things and casually browsing Craigslist for freelance opportunites. This is adulthood.

WTH?!?

Words and things

It’s November, and I’m making moves. With an internship almost over, a novel to write (here’s lookin’ at you, Chapter Two), and a spur-of-the-moment job application, I’m feeling good and am completely determined to ignore the fact that it is now officially dark outside at 6 p.m.

With that lame attempt at an update in mind (remember, I’m trying to pull 50,000 words out of my butt), here are some fictionalized words and Halloween photos to keep you mildly entertained. Don’t steal– this stuff is copyrighted. Oh, and the kicker? My protagonist is a dude.

 

It was Tuesday in the band room when Tim suggested I come with him to Tyler’s place that Friday.

            “It’s gonna be sick,” he said.

            Enticing.

            “Sick usually isn’t my thing, Tim,” I said.  “Maybe ‘under the weather’ or ‘contagious,’ but—”

            “Dude, do you ever listen to yourself?” Tim was packing up his tuba after an intense band rehearsal of a John Williams medley.  Somehow, no one ever questioned the fact that Tim Wheeler played tuba.  My playing the clarinet, however, only led to the occasional joke about my sexual and racial preferences.

            “Whether you like the guy or not,” Tim continued, “you have to admit that you want to party at his place.”

            It was true, even though I kind of hated Tyler Young, I was curious to see his McMansion of a house.  That’s what you get for being a professional football player’s son.

            “What if I have a lousy time?” I said.

            “Then we leave, simple as that,” Tyler said.  We were standing side by side now, waiting for the second period bell to ring.  I was not looking forward to psychology—our teacher was getting lazy during our last few weeks of class and was encouraging us to “meditate” while a woman on CD instructed us to focus our consciousness on our elbows.

            “Whose car?” I asked Tim.

            “Jordan’s.  Meet us at my place at eight?”

            I pondered the possibility of them completely forgetting about me on Friday, but then I figured what the heck.  In addition to all my classmates, I’d probably never see Tim after that night, either.  Might as well hang out one last short time.

            “I’ll see you then.”

 

A gothic ’80s punk star, a sad hipster and a BONUS drag queen with a wig even greater than mine makes for a fabulous night in Baltimore.

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From Book Fest to Beer Fest: 21 and then some

While usually long periods of time in between posts are due to my extreme laziness, debauchery or simply having nothing worthy to say, I have a decent excuse this week: I am newly 21.

Huzzah! Kudos! or Mad propz! you shout. Yes, this is indeed thrilling. A whole new world of opportunities is at my feet. New doors are opening to me– mostly the doors of bars and liquor stores, and I’m okay with that. I’m glad to finally be rid of the same ID I’ve been carrying around since I was 16, and I’m glad my other ID can go in a scrapbook. (I recently gave my old wallet to my youngest sister, forgetting this very important card was still lodged inside. “Cassie,” sister asks, ”you used to live in Tennessee?” “…No, give that back.”)

Now, I can drink the same drinks I’ve been drinking for years without feeling sneaky, guilty or paranoid. Plus, I won’t have to rub the top layer of skin off my hands while trying to remove unnecessarily large Sharpie “X”es off my hands. Let the good times roll.

Since my birthday was on a Sunday, John took me out for an incredible dinner late Saturday night at a restaurant called Tio Pepe’s in Baltimore. Oh mah gah, was it good. We ate artichoke hearts drizzled with heaven sauce as an appetizer, then moved onto lobster/crab/shrimp/oyster/chicken/sausage-filled paella while drinking a buzz-inducing amount of Sangria throughout. Later, I had the opportunity to bar hop starting at midnight and only drunkenly embarrassed myself once when I truly believed the elevator would totally open for me if I just walked right into it.

It was a great night, and it seemed my birthday could only get better. Sunday, John and I went to the first annual Baltimore Beer Festival, which was located at the Canton Waterfront Park. I got my first “over 21″ wristband and a teeny beer mug which I could refill as much as my heart or liver desired. Wearing my brand new (pink!) Ravens jersey from someone who obviously reads my blog, I pranced around happily from vendor to vendor during what was the most gorgeous day of the season.

But as we left the festival, a (literally) sobering text brought news of a family member in the hospital. It was news that brought us back to reality, putting us face-to-face with a stinging reminder of human mortality and vulnerability. We spent much of the next couple of days pacing around in waiting rooms or elsewhere, hoping to hear good news. Finally, we did. And then, after what seemed like a forever-long wait, everything was going to be fine, and we could sigh a huge sigh of relief.

This event served as a reminder of the things that are most important to me that have nothing to do with beer or partying. And it certainly makes me take the people I love less for granted. There’s nothing like a surprise hospital visit to make you reevaluate your priorities.

Luckily, I get to write about this incident with only positive news. Aside from my birthday, there are even better things to celebrate now that everyone is safe and healthy. In the meantime, I get to enjoy my week off from some of my most time-consuming responsibilities and buy some beer just for the heck of it.

But if I don’t start getting carded soon, I’m seriously going to be mad that I didn’t try this stuff more often as an underager.

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Physical labor + unattainable goals = insanity

This past weekend was the 15th Annual Baltimore Book Festival, which, for me, meant three full days of unpaid physical labor in the heart of the city on a couple of the hottest days of the season.  Stationed at the information booth, official job title “Info Booth Captain” (fancy schmancy), I answered festival-goers’ questions and provided them with my wealth of knowledge about the three-day event, including what time Nigel Barker was speaking, where the bathrooms were, and the fact that, yes, there is a children’s section—you’re standing in it.

It was a long and tiring weekend. On Saturday, I went to bed at 10:30, which is something I haven’t done since I was about 13 years old, so that should give you an idea of just how exhausted I was. (I slept for a blissful 11 hours that night.) But I was lucky enough that the people I worked with were as friendly and helpful as they could be, and I also had the awesome experience of meeting Frog and Toad of Frog and Toad Are Friends.

BE JEALOUS!

I also bought a totally cool tank top and the lunch bag picture below from Squidfire, which is a rad local duo of artists.

Peanut butter sandwiches just got cooler.

One thing I did not do was buy books—I was mostly too tired to browse when I was on breaks, and book browsing takes a lot of effort. But I also have at least 20 books of my own that I’ve yet to read, so I should maybe get on that before I spend more money.

I’m glad to have had the experience of working Book Fest and seeing just how much goes into putting on such a large event. It still baffles me that anything gets accomplished ever by anyone anywhere. When I attended a Book Fest meeting with BOPA employees and neighbors a few weeks ago, it was interesting to see who else was in attendance. Everyone from the Department of Sanitation to the dudes that show up a week early to put up the tents know exactly what’s going on, and that’s pretty cool.

Speaking of books, I’m crazy. Because I’ve decided to write a book. A novel. In the course of a month. November 1st, 12 a.m. marks the first day of National Novel Writing Month, which ends at 11:59 p.m., November 30th. Thousands of people willingly sign up for this masochistic event and make a promise (or at least an attempt) to write 50,000 or more un-edited words in just 30 short days. I’ve been instructed by NaNoWriMo to shout my quest from the rooftops so that, if nothing else, a desire to not completely embarrass myself by failing at this surely-doomed attempt will motivate me to keep going and see my work through.

So, dear friends, I ask that you hold me to it. I’m going to write a horribly organized novel in the month of November.

Surely, this will make for some good blogging material, as well. In fact, it’s likely all I’ll talk or think about. I will probably not sleep well. I will probably bite happy people. But I will also write 50,000 words, at least. What’s great and also terrible is the fact that I am not allowed to edit myself whatsoever. This is a foreign thing to me. While some bloggers have no problem doing the whole stream of consciousness thing and then later making it actually sound good, I edit as I go. This often makes for a painstaking process when I’m blogging or writing a research paper or even drafting an important email. I strive for perfection every time. Not that everything I write is perfect, but sometimes I do occasionally think I am the definition of perfection, so this will be a nice, slap-in-the-face reminder that I am, in fact, not.

The one thing I do have going for me is the fact that I’ve actually had the same idea for a novel floating around in my head for over a year now. I’m excited about the concept, because the concept itself is definitely appealing. But it will be a great challenge executing it so that it’s interesting, makes sense, doesn’t make readers want to kill themselves and/or the main character, etc. I guess that’s the beauty of novel writing.

With that in mind, know that I may or may not be exceptionally angry, sarcastic, irritated, cynical and violent between now and November 30th. Starting now, I’ll be figuring out just what exactly I want this novel to say and be without actually writing the book itself. And then, it’s all downhill from there as nonsense spews from my fingertips and into the word processor.

If you’d like to join me in this sure-to-be tumultuous time, head over to NaNoWriMo and sign up. As I go along, I’ll update you on my progress, and you can either laugh at me or support me as you wish. If you choose the former, beware: I’m not kidding about that biting thing.

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The uninformed football semi-enthusiast

 As I sit here at my overheated laptop having just sat through two hours of fairly lame VMA performances (except Florence and the Machine), I log-on to Facebook. Facebook, though becoming increasingly lame each day, is still my go-to for quick, mindless entertainment before I do other important things like watch paint dry or look at shoes online.

Now that football season has officially begun, my news feed is sure to constantly be clogged with minutely updates on whichever game is “the game” of the day, as if people assume I know which game they’re talking about. Littered with impulsive NOOOOOOOOOs and EAT IT OCHOCINCOs, my news feed becomes a virtual warzone as haters comment on their now ex-friends’ statuses, harassing them for their poor choice in football teams.

Sitting here just now, these statuses assault me:

hail to the redskins, hail to victoryyy!

THATS GONE WELL REDSKINSSSS

Best. Game. Ever. I can’t move, I’m sweating, it’s like I just gave birth – but without the c-sections or drugs. Whew!!! HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SKINS WIN!!

So. Many. Exclamation points. Congrats on that, though, guys. But I’m a Ravens fan, so I don’t care how the Redskins are doing unless they’re playing the Ravens. (Hurl insults at me at your leisure.)

I must admit, I don’t know a whole lot about football. I do, however, enjoy a good game of football. I can get enthusiastic pretty easily and secretly would like a jersey of my own. I truly do consider myself a fan of the Ravens, but we have a casual relationship. I watch when my boyfriend watches or when I have four hours to kill and want to submit myself to several hours’ worth of commercials in between occasionally uneventful plays. But I could never be a hardcore fan. To this day, I still get confused when the announcers say things like “first and down,” and the only thing that comes to mind when I hear “tight end” is Jon Bon Jovi.

Another thing I’ve never understood is the whole fantasy league thing. Do I want to join your fantasy league? I’m pretty sure I’m out of your league. So, no, I don’t want to participate in anything that sounds like a come-on to join your testosterone-fueled Internet orgy.

I mainly think it’s funny that people take it as seriously as they do. It’s not that I have football completely misunderstood, it’s just that I don’t think one’s life should revolve around a football schedule, nor should a grown man have to fight to hold back tears when Detroit loses again. Nor should Tom Brady be making $18 million a year for having a good arm, but maybe that’s just me.

Clearly this abundance of online enthusiasm will always exist, which is fine—it’s all in good fun, and I gladly partake in game-related shenanigans, however uninformed I might be. But I know there’s gotta be other half-hearted football fans who are afraid to reveal that they, too, think the Superbowl Halftime Show is one of the highlights of the season. As for the Facebook statuses seemingly the products of stuck CAPS LOCK keys, there’s always the “hide” button, or the promise of a beat-down.

Also, don’t forget to submit your questions  for the advice column, which will hopefully have enough material to be posted by the end of the month. I know it’s a great idea (I thank you for saying so), but it’s useless without your burning questions!

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